THE MAX ALLEN REPORT
MY SHOPPING ADVENTURE!
Things aren’t always
what they seem, or should be...
BUYING A SCANDAL SHEET JUST GOT WHOLE LOT HARDER … I walked into the Walmart near my home [always an adventure] and headed for the checkout stands. After all, every impulse item you could want is there from Tic Tacs to the latest issues of the National Enquirer and Globe magazines. At least, that’s the way it used to be.
I rarely travel the road most followed by visiting the wormhole through which the flotsam and jetsam of humanity travel … aka ‘big box’ Walmart. Aware of the perils of 400lb women in electric ‘courtesy carts’ with at least one ‘support animal’ aka a scroungey little piece of road kill with more fur than substance.
So I girded up my loins and entered this ‘dominion of the damned’ because today I was on a mission. I needed fodder for upcoming shows so, once again, I gathered up my courage, buckled up my suit of armour [figuratively speaking] and ventured to where few men repeatedly and with great sacrifice have gone before.
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YES, I SOLD MY SOUL FOR
CONVENIENCE’S SAKE!
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Enter with the expected doses of mild shock, the confusion of not knowing, and the surrender to the pit I had willingly jumped into. There are 4 ‘5 stages of acceptance’ whenever entering a store like this; the 5th being masking your disgust as you find yourself surrounded by 300lb men and women wrapped around the seat [like Jabba the Hutt] of a courtesy electric shopping cart.
Okay, back to my story. I went to the registers [today they’re almost exclusively self-serve kiosks, another bitch of mine] and walked up and down at least three of them before the awful realization hit me. Like a brick through a plate glass window the element of struck me with force.
Walmart, during my prolonged absence, had revamped and totally reorganized their stores! This has a superlatively negative impact on many people who ‘no longer know’ their neighbourhood Walmart. Everything it seems has been moved someplace else and often to areas that stymie a sane man in their absolutely ridiculous geographical location. Simply put … nothing is where it used to be and few things are where they ought to be!
I
could rant in my disappointment, but alas there just isn’t enough time for me
to write the novel [I have 7 in print to date]
that it would take to vent my frustration at the seemingly blind, ignorant,
complacent, or uncaring management in
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HOW MANY ARKANSANS HAVE WON A
NOBEL PRIZE?
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On finding that the ‘impulse items’ such as Tic Tacs, scandal sheets, etc. were no longer where they had been for decades [and still are in better grocery stores such as Albertsons] I asked a polite person in a blue vest where the periodicals and scandal sheets had gone. Their vests were yellow just a few short weeks ago. I looked in mild surprise as she pulled out her cell phone and answered my question with robotic precision.
Yes, her kind words were about to reveal the ‘dumbest’ marketing decision I have witnessed since Ford discontinued the Crown Victoria in favour of the Focus … Aargh! Yes, the yellow vests are gone, yet another ‘change’ in your local Walmart.
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Change may be good, but not at
Walmart
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Little Miss Blue Vest smiled at me and, in the broken English of so many workers today, informed me that the magazines I sought had been stashed in the very back of the store, clear across that vast expanse of merchandise, construction, and the huge mindless mob meandering from aisle to aisle in pursuit of who know, or cares, what. Yes, an obviously ‘impulse item’ has been eliminated and I’m sure the folks at the National Enquirer and the Globe can’t be happy about it! No longer a ‘drive by’ sale item, these magazines have become ‘destination’ goods, meaning you have to look for them.
I hiked to the electronics section in the back of the store where I saw an overhead sign the size of an SUV that read ‘Books’. Okay, that’s nice, so I scanned the shelves for what must have been at least 3 minutes [the average American loses interest in the search after about 1 minute] before I found what I wanted in the far upper right hand corner of a rack filled with hundreds of books and magazines ranging from pulp fiction to romance to gun digests. Yes, hidden in the upper corner of a paper jungle I found my treasure … the scandal rags!
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YOU’D THINK THEY’RE HIDING
THEM!
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For Tic Tacs I had to venture into the candy aisle as these too are no longer available at the register. I wonder how this makes Tic Tac people feel. Surely relocating these traditionally impulse items to erstwhile remote corners and in the shadows of myriad other products can’t be a good marketing strategy.
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WHAT ‘GENIUS’ THOUGHT THIS WAS
A GOOD IDEA?
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Enough already! I Took my Tic Tacs, a copy of the National Enquirer, and a copy of The Globe to the nearby checkout stands [again, self-serve stations] and bought my stuff. As I scanned over my items, put cash into the greedy mouth of the machine, and waited for my change it brought me think on yet another gripe I have about Walmart and other ‘big box’ stores.
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SELF SERVICE … THE BEGINNING OF
THE END!
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Every time I use a ‘self-serve’ kiosk I can’t help but feel guilty about how many cashiers have lost their jobs to these mechanized Machiavellian monsters. I wonder how many people prefer to deal with a real live person at checkout, someone who can help you with your purchase.
Not only do human cashiers instill a sense of loyalty among patrons, but they are an invaluable security tool. Nobody spots big box thieves more readily and efficiently than a cashier. Instead, these ‘Kingdoms of the self serve’ will assign one person to walk around and watch up to 24 customers at a time. I have no doubt that this whole ‘self-serve’ thing has increased their ‘shrinkage’ [a euphemism for shop-lifting] but, despite the cost, they refuse to go back!
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CURSE YOU ROBOPHELIACS! CURSE YOU ALL!
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Well, all said and done I left the store, found my car parked in midst of that vast sea of metal, plastic, and glass, and made my way home to my studio.
My prizes in hand I was free to drink my Diet Pepsi, read my copies of The National Enquirer and The Globe, Freshen my breath with a Tic Tac, and work on yet another revealing story for my show, subject … as you guessed … Welcome to Walmart and abandon hope all ye who enter here!
I’m Max, and that’s my latest adventure. Yes, I’m Max, and that’s the way I see it!
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