Tuesday, August 16, 2022

* * * * * PUPPY WHIPPED * * * * *


Volume #08162022-1645                              August 16, 2022


You’ve surrendered to your dog, but there’s more at stake

You wake up in the morning and there’s Fido at the foot of the bed whining, whimpering, scratching, or barking.  Fido wants you to take him for the first of his any number of daily walks so he can piss and crap somewhere where he doesn’t soil the furniture, carpet, or walls.

So you get up and before anything else you don sufficient clothing as to avoid arrest for indecent exposure and take the dog for a walk.  Usually, you’ve

got some sort of leash on your mutt and that’s nice, being as its most probably a city ordinance and definitely an HOA rule.  Away you go to walk and empty out your dog.

Come rain or shine, snow or sleet, triple-digit heat or nuclear holocaust you’ll be out there walking Fido.  You may have a leg or foot in a cast and be suffering any manner of malady or disease, but Fido comes first!  It leaves you to wonder just who is ‘master’ of the house.




I live in a quiet, well managed gated community and as I look out the living room window I see all manner of canines on parade.  From animals big enough to ride or pull a covered wagon to the ever present roadkill mutts, those with more fur than substance.  I watch as their enslaved ‘pet parents’ follow behind [it’s always the dog that takes the lead] as they piss on every tree and lamppost and crap on the greenest lawns and patches of grass.

This ‘puppy parade is a ritual, especially amongst the older residents, and it brings with it certain assumptions, even commands of the curiosity of their behaviour.  I ask myself, “How many of these folks are picking up their dog’s shit?  For the most part, they do.  Unfortunately, there are those who do not pick up dog crap and there are these questions, “Are they just too damned lazy to pick it up?” or “Do they refuse to pick it in some form of neutered protest or defiance to their dog’s dominance?

Be it as it may, when you own a dog, you are serving a ‘1-year-old child mentality’ tyrant for anywhere up to 20 years!  You will bathe it, take it to the vet, feed it vitamins and medications, curry and brush its hair, take it outside whenever it demands, and you’ll always be ‘Beta’ to its ‘Alpha’.  You’ll be vacuuming the rugs, carpets, and furniture for the rest of your life!  Don’t kid yourself, not even for a minute, into thinking you’re the master of the house because you’re not!  You abrogated your authority the minute you invited this animal into your home!  You have been neutered and trained to conform to the whims of your canine master!




Perhaps you have convinced yourself that you’re still in charge and your dog is merely a ‘pet-child’ or some other such nonsense.  You may have even convinced yourself that this animal is a literal member of the family occupying ‘a seat at the table’ in your household’s pecking order.  How’s that working for you?  Good luck with that as you look for the leash and a raincoat so you can take Fido out for a shit and a walk in a rainstorm.  Yah, good luck with that!

I know an ‘animal enslaved’ neighbour who fits this mould very well and it took me a while to train this sad ‘puppy-whipped’ excuse of a man.  I enjoy a wonderful yard, one filled with verdant green Bermuda hybrid grass that’s soft and comfortable to walk on.  Aah, barefoot on a soft patch of green grass; there’s nothing quite like it!  A lawn like mine is a clarion cry to any dog walking by and a crying invitation to take a shit on it!  Not on my lawn!

After my neighbour failed for a second time to keep his mutt off my lawn, I turned to my trusty paintball launcher.  I keep it around the house for protection as it can hurl a 17mm glass ball at over 350fps.  Now it was time to trade glass balls for paintballs.

In the early morning hours with dogs everywhere [what is it with Americans’ fascination with dogs?] I watched this mutt get up on my yard and I immediately blasted it in the ass with a paintball.  Even at a distance paintballs sting!  Well, I pulled the trigger and that .68 calibre plastic ball filled with biodegradable paint found its mark.  With a yelp and a jerk, the dog practically flew back onto the sidewalk.

Its over-protective owner gave me a threatening glance as I sat back on the porch stroking the stock of my trusty toy and gently wagging my finger in a scolding manner.  Later that afternoon there was a repeat performance as his dog, still limping from its morning encounter, got up on my lawn again.  Again, I nailed it with a well-aimed shot that, as earlier, sent it onto the sidewalk with force.  I looked at the owner and said, “I’ve got nearly 200 rounds in the hopper.  How many more times do you want to do this?




Whether you are one of millions of the ‘pet-enslaved’ or just ‘going through the motions’ of pet ownership it would behoove you to act responsibly.  Just because you picked up your dog’s crap from my lawn doesn’t mean damage hasn’t been done.  When your mutt pisses on my rose bushes it damages them, affecting the beauty they are grown to impart.

For those of you in my situation, a quality paintball launcher [gun] can be bought at any local sporting goods store for under $100.  It’ll save you a lot of grief and provide fun in ‘the thrill of the hunt.

I’m Max, and that’s the way I see it!

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